Thursday, March 3, 2011

Learning to Dance in the Rain

"It took so long just to feel alright,
Remember how to put, back the light, in my eyes...
But I have grown too strong,
To ever fall back in your arms...
Who do you think you are?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
Tearing love apart...
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul.
So don't come back for me,
Don't come back at all..."

~Christina Perri, from "Jar of Hearts"

I'm afraid this will be a rather different kind of post, dear readers.

It will uplifting and empowering, because it is about learning enough truth about a damaging past experience to be able to move on, completely and fully, once and for all. But it will also be painful, challenging, and rife with conflicting emotions -- as any journey through the dark places of one's life will be, until finally emerging in the bright light of knowledge and forgiveness at the other end.

I am no longer angry -- neither with myself, for falling so blindly into his trap, nor with him, for deliberately setting it and, knowingly, watching me fall.

I am no longer an empty shell, stripped of my right to an identity of my own -- I have had years to fill up again, with laughter, love, and purpose. With the happiness and strength of friends, family, and lovers... With my own light and exceedingly fulfilling life.

I am no longer confused or disillusioned -- I know now, more than ever, what truth lurked behind his mask, what may have driven him to do what he did, what made me an ideal target.

I accept, wholeheartedly, that I do not need to know why -- it does not matter -- I no longer have to try to rationalize what he did to me, nor how I let it happen. What matters is that I learn, and that I let go.

I am no longer frightened -- I know now, from years of highly positive experiences, that I can be safe and happy in the arms of a dominating man who will not overstep his boundaries in wielding his power over me, who will always respect me as a fellow, equal human being, even as we venture deep into the recesses of domination and submission.

I am no longer weak -- I can see now, the warning signs. I can trust my own finer-tuned instincts and judgments with confidence. I am strong enough, now, to let go -- to trust, to open up, to allow myself the vulnerability that part of me so dearly craves, knowing that I have the tools now to pick myself up and still be me, should I happen to fall again. Knowing that I am my own person, completely and without question, independent of my experiences, positive or negative.

I am no longer trapped -- I am free. My strings are cut, the dark cloud of doubt and derision has flown. I may not be flying high among the stars all the time, but the horizon stretches before me and I am free to create my own journey, no longer slave to the past, no longer slave to him, no longer slave to the guilt and shame I once owned, in a memory.

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Demon --

I am
no longer

Not in body, not in mind, not in spirit.

I am letting you go -- your grip over me no longer holds, because I have forgiven you, and I have moved on.

"I am the Master of my Fate,
I am the Captain of my Soul."*

I am happy, I am loved, I am strong, I am free.

Thank you, for all you have taught me, and peace be with you, always.

*From "Invictus," by William Ernest Henley.


  1. The hardest thing to do in life is to forgive, and even harder to forgive yourself.

    I think that you have done it, and good for you. You deserve only the best.



  2. I'm glad to read this. I wish you many pleasant scenes in future and that you know when to stop early enough to avoid unpleasant ones. I'm sure you can do that.

  3. Thank you, Urs :) Yes, I have had years to learn when to say, "no." And I know that I will never let something like this happen again. :)

  4. {{{Rayne}}}