Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Right as Rayne :D

Every once in a while, life can get stressful, and one's mind can get a little lost in the fray... : ) This happens to me on occasion (when all of the stars and planets align just right, you know...), and at times I can succumb to small spells of mental and emotional illogicality.

Oh yes, it can happen -- I will be the first to admit. :D

Mostly, these spells tend to blow over, or I can find the counter-curses to them rather quickly, and pretty soon (a matter of hours, or maybe a night to sleep on it), I am right as rayne again. : ) Usually, they have to do with this silly little thing that we humans do called comparison, and a certain homosapien-like need to feel as if one 'fits in,' or 'belongs' somehow to a certain supportive social group.

Being a rather quiet, subdued person, it can often take a while for me to feel included in any particular group of people -- but I know and like this about myself... I like to observe a situation before jumping in, remain on the sidelines until I can make out every shadow and detail... But I also know that this can end up isolating me from many social opportunities, which is okay, too, when I'm being rational about it, and realize that I really don't need to fit into everything everywhere just to feel worthwhile. :D I'm worth quite enough on my own, thank you :D

One such spell of illogicality happened to fall upon me, though, during my last venture out on the public BDSM scene -- an adventure which was highly fulfilling, successful, exhilarating, and altogether wonderful, as you can probably tell from another recent post about the same event...

The event spanned more than one single day, and what I am about to describe happened around the middle of the second day, between lunch time and dinner time. I recognized it right away -- I was falling into a pattern of self-isolation, watching the butterfly-like personalities of so many of the other girls there around me, seeing them put smiles on peoples' faces and trying new things... I was perfectly happy being myself, as usual, but for some reason the stressed-out part of my brain decided that it wasn't happy, and wanted to start heading down a depressive track...

My partner, with whom I was attending the event, noticed. I decided to try to chat about it with him over our late lunch, to see if I could talk myself out of it, with his help.

By the time everyone at the event was downstairs enjoying a pot-luck dinner, however, it was clear that I hadn't quite gotten over my worries about personality inadequacies, feeling myself quite forgettable and worthless. I know -- illogical, right? See! But it happens sometimes, to all of us... we just have to learn how to see it for it what it is... completely bogus : )

This time, luckily, I had some help jumping the hurdle. :D

While the rest of the party was still gathered around the first floor eating their dinner, my partner took me by the hand and led me to the stairs... I was hesitant, slightly depressed, uncertain, but when I looked up at him questioningly and he gave me a small nod and a smile, reassurance washed over me, and I followed him willingly up to the second floor. He led me down the hall and into the upstairs dungeon play-area...

By then I had some idea of what he was going to do, but most of my brain was still distracted by its broodings over self-dislike...

He bent me over one of the leather-padded table contraptions, and started spanking me with his hand... : ) My short skirt, in honor of the kinky event at which we were in attendance, left me very little protection... He was spanking a little faster and a little harder than he usually did, as if wanting to make a stiff point. I was already teary-eyed by about half-way through, knowing that he was doing this for my own good, reminding me of his presence and love for me.

Upon finishing, he helped me off the table and down to my knees in front of him, where he cradled my face in his hands and told me things that I shouldn't have needed to hear, because I already knew them, but which helped tremendously in that moment and which, when he spoke them out-loud, made my heart sing and spirits soar.

We proceeded to a nearby bed after that, where we lay side-by-side and he held me, letting me cry into his shoulder for a while to release any remaining tension, and I emerged a new force, ready to immensely enjoy the rest of a very fun and kink-filled evening :D Thank you, Love : ) I needed that! :D

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